What happened?

I think I am ready for anything, and everything. I'm not tougher by any means. If anything, the soft me just got softer.

In July one of my best friends from grammar school was killed in a bike accident. We hadn't talked in years. I was able to catch of with my old grammar school friends at the wake. We caught up at the bar. How typical. Some of my friends were married, some had kids. We got shit drunk that night, and fell in love with each all over again. We met two days later again, and did it all over. I've talked to my friends, that I have known since we were kids more in the past few months, than the past ten years.

August came around, I practically lost it. I felt that the girl I had been in love with for the past 3 years, just wasn't feeling it anymore. How can I tell? we stopped having sex for one. She held me differently at night. She stopped calling me at night when she was out. I would eventually break up with her, telling her that I felt that she wanted something else, and it wasn't me. We said we still loved each other, and we would work things out. After all, we were supposed to get married, and travel the world when we graduated this May. I can't say I was right, but I definitely wasn't wrong. Jeanette started dating someone new. I told her she would the whole time, but she denied everything. Everything about the boy that everyone was telling me about, except her.

I would say she is dead to me, but I won't.

I lost my job, and my mind that September. I didn't know what to think, between my friend Clint dying, my break-up, and the one year passing of my friend Ryan, who was killed by a car while working as a messenger, I couldn't hold shit together. I really couldn't. I nearly killed myself with alcohol that fall. I was drinking in school, at home, at night. Looking back it was all blur. My best friend was in L.A at the time, and my other best friend was in NYC. I couldn't find comfort anywhere. I even stopped riding my bike. It was haunting after so many deaths. I found some comfort in a girl, but I think we were just the two loneliest people in the city who so happened to cross paths. Not to mention, we were drunk together all the time. I don't think anyone told me I was adorable more than she did, ever, in the history of me. Whatever we had was short lived, but somewhat necessary, for me at least. The fall passed, and winter came. I was begging for the year to end. I wanted to start over in 2009. During this time, I remained unemployed. I gave up my cats to a friend, I lost my apartment, and moved back home. I now share rooms with my 9 year old sister, because my mother refuses to give up her "smoking room". I wasn't completely down and out. It was all downhill, but I wasn't fighting it at all. I rode it out like a wave. I knew I had to come back around eventually. I rocked out new years eve, and even got a kiss from a very attractive girl. This emotional high couldn't even last a whole day. Lina called me the next day and dropped a shitload on my life.

I found out I lost my best friend from high school, Ricky. He drank himself to death on New years day. It wasn't on New years eve, it was on New years day. In the afternoon, which only makes it more heartbreaking. My best friends came in from L.A and NYC. My best friend Lina from L.A, dated Ricky for 3 years in high school. I was her best friend. Ricky was my best friend. To say this was hard, is far more than an understatement. We hadn't been in the same room for over a year, but here we were. Lina, Ricky, and I. I was together with the people who I cared most about, once again. I can't say what has changed in me, all I know is I am alive and happy, in a weird way. I cried more than ever that weekend. Seeing a 21 year old kid in a coffin can change your world in a dime. Seeing two of your best friends, in coffins, less than 6 months apart, will rock your world. Once again, my best friends went to a bar after the wake. We got stupid drunk, and did the whole thing all over again. We fell in love with each other all over again. Some of these kids I hadn't seen in over 5 years.

I got phone calls from a lot of people. I got emails from friends in Japan, and other cities. Telling me the same shit, stay strong, we all love you, etc. It is quite comforting, and it lets you know who actually cares. I got nothing from Jeanette. Not a word.

Once again, I would say she is dead to me, but I won't.

That "what the fuck" feeling still lingers. I can't put together any amount of words and sentences to describe where my head is at. All I know is I want to be held, all the time now, like a fucking baby. Every hug I get feels like I just woke up for the first time. Every conversation I have is the most enlightening one. Every being I have ever met is appreciated and loved. Even her. Everything is beautiful these days, even in death. Every smile I see makes me fall in love. Every tear makes me smile more in the end. I love my friends and family more than anything now. I really do. I feel good, I really do. I really do, I really do. Life is life. Live it and appreciate it, even in these fucked up times.

God...