Alex and I have been making several attempts at a screenplay.
I think I am going take this one over. It should be done when I get back on Thursday, from D.C.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
more
How to lose your mind in less than 6 months. A guarantee!
1. Lose 2 good friends, only a few months apart (as in gone forever)
2. Lose a best friend (moved to L.A)
3. Lose your job
4. Lose your girlfriend.
5. Lose some friends (we don't talk anymore)
6. Lose your apartment
7. Lose another apartment
8. Lose your pets
9. Move back home
10. Remain unemployed
11. Share a bedroom with your 9 year old sister
12. Watch your ex-girlfriend become Someone Else's girlfriend, even though she said she wouldn't, many times over.
13. Remain broke
14. Develop delusional thoughts.
15. Hit an artistic rut.
16. Realize that you have mania and ADD, but since you don't have insurance, you are fucked.
17. Develop addictions.
18. Try and find comfort in women, booze and food.
19. well, the list stops here, but when something else happens to me that I believe contributes to my current downfall, I'll add it.
1. Lose 2 good friends, only a few months apart (as in gone forever)
2. Lose a best friend (moved to L.A)
3. Lose your job
4. Lose your girlfriend.
5. Lose some friends (we don't talk anymore)
6. Lose your apartment
7. Lose another apartment
8. Lose your pets
9. Move back home
10. Remain unemployed
11. Share a bedroom with your 9 year old sister
12. Watch your ex-girlfriend become Someone Else's girlfriend, even though she said she wouldn't, many times over.
13. Remain broke
14. Develop delusional thoughts.
15. Hit an artistic rut.
16. Realize that you have mania and ADD, but since you don't have insurance, you are fucked.
17. Develop addictions.
18. Try and find comfort in women, booze and food.
19. well, the list stops here, but when something else happens to me that I believe contributes to my current downfall, I'll add it.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
What happened?
I think I am ready for anything, and everything. I'm not tougher by any means. If anything, the soft me just got softer.
In July one of my best friends from grammar school was killed in a bike accident. We hadn't talked in years. I was able to catch of with my old grammar school friends at the wake. We caught up at the bar. How typical. Some of my friends were married, some had kids. We got shit drunk that night, and fell in love with each all over again. We met two days later again, and did it all over. I've talked to my friends, that I have known since we were kids more in the past few months, than the past ten years.
August came around, I practically lost it. I felt that the girl I had been in love with for the past 3 years, just wasn't feeling it anymore. How can I tell? we stopped having sex for one. She held me differently at night. She stopped calling me at night when she was out. I would eventually break up with her, telling her that I felt that she wanted something else, and it wasn't me. We said we still loved each other, and we would work things out. After all, we were supposed to get married, and travel the world when we graduated this May. I can't say I was right, but I definitely wasn't wrong. Jeanette started dating someone new. I told her she would the whole time, but she denied everything. Everything about the boy that everyone was telling me about, except her.
I would say she is dead to me, but I won't.
I lost my job, and my mind that September. I didn't know what to think, between my friend Clint dying, my break-up, and the one year passing of my friend Ryan, who was killed by a car while working as a messenger, I couldn't hold shit together. I really couldn't. I nearly killed myself with alcohol that fall. I was drinking in school, at home, at night. Looking back it was all blur. My best friend was in L.A at the time, and my other best friend was in NYC. I couldn't find comfort anywhere. I even stopped riding my bike. It was haunting after so many deaths. I found some comfort in a girl, but I think we were just the two loneliest people in the city who so happened to cross paths. Not to mention, we were drunk together all the time. I don't think anyone told me I was adorable more than she did, ever, in the history of me. Whatever we had was short lived, but somewhat necessary, for me at least. The fall passed, and winter came. I was begging for the year to end. I wanted to start over in 2009. During this time, I remained unemployed. I gave up my cats to a friend, I lost my apartment, and moved back home. I now share rooms with my 9 year old sister, because my mother refuses to give up her "smoking room". I wasn't completely down and out. It was all downhill, but I wasn't fighting it at all. I rode it out like a wave. I knew I had to come back around eventually. I rocked out new years eve, and even got a kiss from a very attractive girl. This emotional high couldn't even last a whole day. Lina called me the next day and dropped a shitload on my life.
I found out I lost my best friend from high school, Ricky. He drank himself to death on New years day. It wasn't on New years eve, it was on New years day. In the afternoon, which only makes it more heartbreaking. My best friends came in from L.A and NYC. My best friend Lina from L.A, dated Ricky for 3 years in high school. I was her best friend. Ricky was my best friend. To say this was hard, is far more than an understatement. We hadn't been in the same room for over a year, but here we were. Lina, Ricky, and I. I was together with the people who I cared most about, once again. I can't say what has changed in me, all I know is I am alive and happy, in a weird way. I cried more than ever that weekend. Seeing a 21 year old kid in a coffin can change your world in a dime. Seeing two of your best friends, in coffins, less than 6 months apart, will rock your world. Once again, my best friends went to a bar after the wake. We got stupid drunk, and did the whole thing all over again. We fell in love with each other all over again. Some of these kids I hadn't seen in over 5 years.
I got phone calls from a lot of people. I got emails from friends in Japan, and other cities. Telling me the same shit, stay strong, we all love you, etc. It is quite comforting, and it lets you know who actually cares. I got nothing from Jeanette. Not a word.
Once again, I would say she is dead to me, but I won't.
That "what the fuck" feeling still lingers. I can't put together any amount of words and sentences to describe where my head is at. All I know is I want to be held, all the time now, like a fucking baby. Every hug I get feels like I just woke up for the first time. Every conversation I have is the most enlightening one. Every being I have ever met is appreciated and loved. Even her. Everything is beautiful these days, even in death. Every smile I see makes me fall in love. Every tear makes me smile more in the end. I love my friends and family more than anything now. I really do. I feel good, I really do. I really do, I really do. Life is life. Live it and appreciate it, even in these fucked up times.
God...
In July one of my best friends from grammar school was killed in a bike accident. We hadn't talked in years. I was able to catch of with my old grammar school friends at the wake. We caught up at the bar. How typical. Some of my friends were married, some had kids. We got shit drunk that night, and fell in love with each all over again. We met two days later again, and did it all over. I've talked to my friends, that I have known since we were kids more in the past few months, than the past ten years.
August came around, I practically lost it. I felt that the girl I had been in love with for the past 3 years, just wasn't feeling it anymore. How can I tell? we stopped having sex for one. She held me differently at night. She stopped calling me at night when she was out. I would eventually break up with her, telling her that I felt that she wanted something else, and it wasn't me. We said we still loved each other, and we would work things out. After all, we were supposed to get married, and travel the world when we graduated this May. I can't say I was right, but I definitely wasn't wrong. Jeanette started dating someone new. I told her she would the whole time, but she denied everything. Everything about the boy that everyone was telling me about, except her.
I would say she is dead to me, but I won't.
I lost my job, and my mind that September. I didn't know what to think, between my friend Clint dying, my break-up, and the one year passing of my friend Ryan, who was killed by a car while working as a messenger, I couldn't hold shit together. I really couldn't. I nearly killed myself with alcohol that fall. I was drinking in school, at home, at night. Looking back it was all blur. My best friend was in L.A at the time, and my other best friend was in NYC. I couldn't find comfort anywhere. I even stopped riding my bike. It was haunting after so many deaths. I found some comfort in a girl, but I think we were just the two loneliest people in the city who so happened to cross paths. Not to mention, we were drunk together all the time. I don't think anyone told me I was adorable more than she did, ever, in the history of me. Whatever we had was short lived, but somewhat necessary, for me at least. The fall passed, and winter came. I was begging for the year to end. I wanted to start over in 2009. During this time, I remained unemployed. I gave up my cats to a friend, I lost my apartment, and moved back home. I now share rooms with my 9 year old sister, because my mother refuses to give up her "smoking room". I wasn't completely down and out. It was all downhill, but I wasn't fighting it at all. I rode it out like a wave. I knew I had to come back around eventually. I rocked out new years eve, and even got a kiss from a very attractive girl. This emotional high couldn't even last a whole day. Lina called me the next day and dropped a shitload on my life.
I found out I lost my best friend from high school, Ricky. He drank himself to death on New years day. It wasn't on New years eve, it was on New years day. In the afternoon, which only makes it more heartbreaking. My best friends came in from L.A and NYC. My best friend Lina from L.A, dated Ricky for 3 years in high school. I was her best friend. Ricky was my best friend. To say this was hard, is far more than an understatement. We hadn't been in the same room for over a year, but here we were. Lina, Ricky, and I. I was together with the people who I cared most about, once again. I can't say what has changed in me, all I know is I am alive and happy, in a weird way. I cried more than ever that weekend. Seeing a 21 year old kid in a coffin can change your world in a dime. Seeing two of your best friends, in coffins, less than 6 months apart, will rock your world. Once again, my best friends went to a bar after the wake. We got stupid drunk, and did the whole thing all over again. We fell in love with each other all over again. Some of these kids I hadn't seen in over 5 years.
I got phone calls from a lot of people. I got emails from friends in Japan, and other cities. Telling me the same shit, stay strong, we all love you, etc. It is quite comforting, and it lets you know who actually cares. I got nothing from Jeanette. Not a word.
Once again, I would say she is dead to me, but I won't.
That "what the fuck" feeling still lingers. I can't put together any amount of words and sentences to describe where my head is at. All I know is I want to be held, all the time now, like a fucking baby. Every hug I get feels like I just woke up for the first time. Every conversation I have is the most enlightening one. Every being I have ever met is appreciated and loved. Even her. Everything is beautiful these days, even in death. Every smile I see makes me fall in love. Every tear makes me smile more in the end. I love my friends and family more than anything now. I really do. I feel good, I really do. I really do, I really do. Life is life. Live it and appreciate it, even in these fucked up times.
God...
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Ricky
I wanted to destroy 2008, and be reborn into 2009. I had no intentions of remembering the year, filled with mistakes and heartache. Then I got the news of my friend Ricky, who died New Years day. I can't say what I don't know, but it may have been a suicide. Alcohol and OTC medications. It just seems all to cliche, but then again that's how I remember the kid. The prettiest boy, who wore abercrombie, played lacrosse and got the prettiest girls. He was the cliche. The all american boy. And now all I can do is remember, because we'll never see each other again. We used to be best friends, once upon a time many years ago. We were high school kids with nothing to do. That's how it always started. It was after high school, where our differences became obvious. He voted red, I voted blue. He listened to one band, I listened to another. I went to these bars, he went to others. After a while our conversations became a combination of 20 questions, and reminiscing. It's what happens. We started running into each other more and more, and I thought it would be a good time to start hanging out again. After all we were adults now. I'm 24, he was 21. I just didn't expect this....
Since the end of high school I have had 8 people, that I know die. 6 were under the age of 25. This one stings more than others though. I looked out after this idiot. We all did. He was that puppy that shat everywhere, but we couldn't just cut him off because he didn't know any better. I should have been there this last year. All the heart break in life couldn't compare to the void left. It was the emptiest of feelings.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
It's a damn shame what heartbreak can do to you.
Girls love me. I have nothing to give them, yet they
still love me. They really have no idea what they are
getting into. I wish I could fall in love again, but it
really isn't in me. Not now, maybe not for a while.
I truly hate the game. If I could settle down and
marry I would. I really would.
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