SWOON

I am Dave, I am dope, nobody does it better than me.

in the future

1. Dear Daniel, I love you man


2. if the universe was the floor I'm standing on, our lives wouldn't be a speck of dust...My life is nothing more than the motion set by mother, that was set by her mother, and her mother, and her mother.

3. A girl named Naomi gives me butterflies.

YOU!

I waited for you for too long man, since we were kids...and it's already done.

REAL HEARTBREAK

Its been over a year since my last day, but I haven't forgotten what it's like. 3 years, 4 bikes, 1 girlfriend, 5 apartments 6 semesters, 8 races, 2 cities, 2 companies, 4 dispatchers. Where did it start?

It's 6:30 AM in the morning and my radio is going off, you tell me to pick up 30 packages at the base, you move to the country and get married as I jam the specials in my bag. At the base you are filling out forms, It's always you and me in the morning. You say absolutely nothing to me until you leave, Your name is Hugo.

It's 7:00 AM now, I visit you at the giftshop. My radio doesn't work at the hotel so I make it quick.A kiss, fingers knotted, a smile and then I disappear....and eventually you do to.

8:00 AM, and the winds are destroying my hands. Its always the fingers that go first, those goddamn fingers. I could hardly read my manifests....or breathe.

8:30 AM I run up the stairs, you never asked me for my ID, but I always give it to you. I catch my breath at your desk, you start to call me Teddybear, and do so for the next 3 years.

9:00 AM and Lower Wacker drive is always faster than any route going east to michigan ave. I learned that today, 2 weeks in.

10:00 AM now, and the day is slow, I'm at the park watching the girls.

10:30 AM You are from Boston looking for a job. I tell you to meet me tonight at a halloween party. You find your husband, your job, your friends, and you always tell me it was cuz you met me that day. Maybe.

11:00 AM, We're hanging out at the Thompson center and everyone is getting high.

Noon, I'm lying on Clark bridge just north of Wacker. I was going south and my wheels went out...there seems to be a grapefruit on my knee.

1:00 PM and the rain won't stop, there's 12 packages in my bag that are all soaking wet, I could hardly give a fuck and I am one step away from calling the day.

1:30 PM I am in bed, with you. You are holding on to a bag of mush, and my limbs are wrapped around you. Fragile isn't the right word. I called in and told Bob my tank was empty.

2:00 PM and I am working on a set all the way up to Evanston.

2:30 PM is when I hear you call my name in City Hall. We smile and reminsce of grammar school. I wanted you since we were kids....I waited on you for 20 years and I eventually get you, even if its for a minute and in a bar drunk.

3:00 PM I get a phone call telling me Ryan is gone, he was run over by a truck on clark street...we were getting high 3 days earlier.

3:30 PM and there is nothing better to do than hang out at the relay. It is here where I appreciate black culture.

4:00 PM and its damn hot. I have run off 50 packages and made 200 dollars. I radio in clean at the Thompson center. "5-0 you have had one helluva day, you want to go for the record, or you gonna call it in early? its up to you kid".

4:30 PM My tears are frozen to my face.

5:00 PM I am at the base waiting for you to get in, to turn your manifests. We ride home to the apartment, west....Yeah, pretty much into the sunset.

FROM MY OLD DISPATCHER'S BLOG THE DAY I QUIT...

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

fast...very fast...

man...the days have been super slow. don't know what to say...word is that it's just slow everywhere. no company is really popping more than any other. it's just not a good time to be a messenger. no one knows why it's just the way the industry is right now. as 6450 put it...maybe its the end of this sillyness. we lost 5-0 today because of the slow days. five-o will be missed...the man is/was a rockstar out there. very fast, never said no, just got the work done. as much as im gonna miss the kid i am also glad he's leaving...why? well, he, hopefully, will find a job that'll pay him more money in order to survive...also, his departure means more work to spread love with...i hope.

The big apple

work
friends
family
art
music
sleep



I have to remove one of the following off my daily routine list. I don't have time for it all, and honestly, I am in that 18 hours straight mode.

Nyc November 6. This will be a real stretch but I will make it.

BLASTIN FROM THE BEFORES

From Andrea (the prettiest pick me-up Gal)

hello. do not apologize for leaving me a wonderful napkin artwork. it was a very nice thing to do and i kept it in my knapsack (still). i honestly had no idea who left it! it was the pick me up mystery!!!

see you soon.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: DAVIDBELTRAN
Date: Dec 2, 2008 2:48 AM


about being a creep and leaving napkin art fwd: to you. I should have known you were taken!

that is all, I'd say it to your face but I'm beat red about it.

not just any girls...all of them

Sometimes right before I sleep I think to myself "holy shit, a couple million people are sleeping at the same time, and I'm about to join them" our souls are connected... I saw your phone call before it rang. (humming)....

All I did was tell you how much I liked you and all you did was tell me how much another girl liked me, yet you kissed me....I don't get it.

further

i got locked outta my apt for like, 45 min.

too cold for that shit.

From Tif
10.28.09

finding things

I unarchived all my old inboxes. Some of the messages are funny. Some of them are sad. Some of them make little to no sense at all. I'll post a few.

11.16.008

I didn't mean what I said earlier. I really didn't. I try to think I hate you but I can't. I still love you, and care about you. I am losing control over the rational side my brain, everything is turning into mud.

David

I'm really sorry, dave. I didnt mean for things to turn out like this. I know I've said it many times before, but I honestly never meant to hurt you. I will call you soon. I promise.

-jeanette

real love

I love it...every second of it...

4 real talk

25 and alive

The truth

I can only make comparisons to basketball, because at the end of the day its pretty much the one thing I know well. I can name you every lottery* draft pick from 1984 til now. (Michael Jordan is going to the hall today. Clap your hands) At the end of the day, every guy is competing for the same girls. Girls get ranked by a point systems. A girl will get an overall average score based on everything from looks to knowledge of food to love for certain cheeses to....the ultimate x-factor, love for chicago sports, specifically the bulls.

What does any of this mean? Ok I'm getting there.

I'm never the guy any girl is really looking for. I have earned the role of hustle player...I am not nearly as good looking as some guys, or as fit, or as tall. But I make it all up with wit and charm, but in this game, we call that hustle. I am players player....a coaches player. What does that mean? Everyone loves me...the prettiest girls I know love me, they love me cause I play hard, and I pass the ball, and I am unselfish on the court...The boys love me for all the same reasons, but by no means am I an all-star, in fact, just look up Kurt Rambis*

I am part of a well oiled machine, and my niche and home is here. I can't function outside of it, I can't function with other players and when looked at by players from another team, I am the one they least fear.

So what does this mean? Ok, as much as I love Kurt Rambis, I am not going to sit Magic Johnsons down for more than 5 minutes if my team is down by 10. Sorry Kurt....same applies to girls...Its a novel and cute thing to get with Dave...but you aren't winning a championship with just me.

I turn 25 in 3 days. I hate all your boyfriends. They are grumpy and not funny. But I am sure you will love the inevitable break up. I'll still be here.

blogging

Blogging is cool. It's cool because you can write about your feelings, and talk about stuff, like how I feel.

seriously

Bullshit bullshit bullshit. I seriously don't understand women, and their fucking heads are so small I am sure they will never understand me. I will drink myself into a fucking coma tonight. I hate em. I hate em, I hate em I hate em...I can't stand one more second of this. Ef you sea kay. FUCK.

BIKE PROM BABY

All my friends are incredibly good looking. I love them all.

as real as it gets

This is what is on my friends "about me" section on facebook. His name is Bob, we worked together for 3 years. He was my dispatcher. He made me a lot of money at one point. Apparently, he isn't to happy with life.

I am not a reflection of my FB blog. I'm an ever-changing entity that defies definition. In fact, the next time you read this it will probably have changed, and if it hasn't then you're reading my profile too much and I consider you a stalker. Having said that, I'm no big deal. I have the never-ending temp job that pays shit. After work I go home and watch TV or some DVD from Netflix, or argue with my wife over something trivial or mundane, which sometimes leads to heartache but mostly just fades into the background of my pathetic life. Very rarely do I go anywhere other than the grocery store or some other food venue. On the weekends I usually clean my apartment or go shopping with my wife. Sometimes I go out and hang with friends but only when they call me. I'm generally disappointed with people, including myself. I spend most of my time fighting with my wife. We usually break stuff. Basically, I'm on a downward spiral toward imminent self-destruction. My idea of fun is letting go of my problems and listening to music very loudly until my wife comes home and ruins it. Oh, and I like pictures of giant women.

growing up

I wigged out intensely last night. I have no idea where my head is at anymore, and it took an 18 year old child, lecturing me on life, as if she knows anything....to break me. She was right.

Thank God Kris saved me.

It would have been 4 years today!

But its not about you, or the past, or even the now. Its about me. I told you a thousand times you were my lobster....I guess I didn't know what real love felt like back then....or maybe I did, I just didn't know...and now I do. Its not about sex, phone calls, lavish gifts, flowers, myspace photos and labels...I can't explain it but I know where it is and how its supposed to look like. I'm the catalyst of it. I am it.


I'm happy, on a day I thought I would dread. Happier than I could have ever imagined.

Thursday August 13, 2009

Love hurts...

A broken nose and puffy lips couldn't keep me out of the bar. I can only imagine the cashiers face last night, when he saw me purchasing a 40 oz. I left a trail of blood. I am coming undone faster than river cuomo's sweater. I fell off my bike, literally, and figuratively. I licked my own wounds for the first time in a long time. I stared in the mirror for god knows how long. I have no job and I am short 250 bucks on rent.

I wanted to see the meteor shower. You told me it was Last night.

An ice cream sandwich was delivered to me at 630 pm. She was beautiful. I'll break every bone in my body, if I knew it would bring you to me. Did I mention I am lactose intolerant? It made me sick, but I could care less...I am careless. Im falling apart. Best summer ever. Ever....

FUCK THE DAYS!

<3 God I love the life.

Friday august 7, 2009

Sex Drugs & Wisconsin

Spent 3 days with my closet friends. Spent half the time drunk. Got 7 minutes in the closest with a girl I waited a year on. It's just warming up baby! In 4 hours I will be serving 8 hours of court ordered community service.



(here are some pictures)

Thursday August 6, 2009

Every attempt to get healthy is immediately halted by booze and women who like booze.
I just came back from wisconsin. I could write a book about the three days, but I'll just post the pics instead. Everything that I hoped could happen did happen.

Sunday August 2, 2009

Every girl I know is smitten by a boy. I thought I created a Utopia.
I'm still smitten by the world. It would take a lot to break my heart these days.

Wednesday July 29, 2009

Almost 3 a.m as usual. This is a bad ass jam from Kanye. I wanna hate him so bad, but he is sooooo good.

Much love

Monday July 27, 2009

Girls love me!

Saturday July 25, 2009

I need to stop hanging out with tall pretty white boys who so happen to be in bands/ and or possess degrees from northwestern. You play on this team, you'll be on the bench all year.

Damn.

Thursday July 23, 2009

I'm pretty sure we're gonna live forever.

Wednesday July 22, 2009

Yawn fired there manager. I guess I officially have to lead them to the light. Haven't worked on music in a while. Haven't drank in 2 days. About to smoke a cigarette right now.

I can't find ugly people anywhere these days.

Saturday July 18, 2009

Everyone told me that I looked better with long hair. Its pretty convenient though since I don't give a fuck. And besides, we all know I don't get the ladies with my looks...I get them with incredible roofies from my dealer.

Thursday July 16, 2009

The highs in life are only as good as the equivalent lows. I feel pretty bummed, and thank god. Short 120 bucks in rent and hungry. I played to an empty crowd yet again. All my friends were at Rino getting free drinks. Alcohol builds and destroys loyalties and friendships. In my case, tonight....it was the latter. I never know when I am being taken advantage of, or led on....I hope these people will be there til the end though, Cuz I love them that much.

Farewell & Goodnight (download that song)
David

About below

So someone did think of it after all. Oh well. Here is the full article for you geeks. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6749412/

Saturday July 11, 2009

I am about to get on a plane. In a few hours I will be on the east coast. Another day of partying and drinking, hot doug's and Tif (both are intoxicating). I remember being in love for 3 years with one girl, and looking back I can't imagine why. As the days go by, and I forget everything about her and the more I start to fall in love with everyone. The picures online were deleted along time ago, but now everything is coming undone, and I feel fine. The heartshaped spoke card of her face in my rear wheel is gone. I didn't take it, it rotted off. 3 years of snow and salt. Symbolic, yes...nothing more though. For anyone who rides a bike, especially a messenger/ ex messenger, we all know spokecards are for fallen messengers, races, and girlfriends. I might as well have had a ring on my finger. The shirt with her face on it, was left at the beach, I could have turned around and got it...I no longer wonder what she does, or where she is at. All I care about is everything else. I feel horrible, only to think that I gave three years to her and gave up three quality years to everyone else. Now I know her sister, she is wonderful. Now I met Tif, only cuz I was gushing over Kirsten...Now I gush for everyone. I don't see myself giving it all to one person again. I can't. I love everyone too much. Though I do prioritize my time with perticular persons.... I am in love with them all. A girl in Seattle, my best friend in L.A, my best friend in NY, my little sister, my ex girlfriends sister, my best friends little sister and her twin sister, and her minion of friends, A girl who serves hot dogs, A girl who serves coffee, The two beautiful brothers and everyone on that block, Monday night dinners, everyone and everything that came across my eyes, I love it all. Its soo damn beautiful, it really is. its overwhelming, its everything good. It is soooo damn good. I never felt more alive in the city. I feel free for once, and truly in love. I can remember you pressing my index on your rotten tooth, I remember the sweaty hug at the party, I watched you outside waiting for Nicole, The way your hair fell across your shoulders reminds of the way you smile everytime you walk away after bringing me sausages, I remember your head on my shoulder as we smoked a pack of cigarettes, You told me to play the killers but I didn't. I love that you can't see when you're drunk, literally. I love our phone calls, remembering your ex boyfriend, our times sneaking out to Burger King, and hiding the evidence from him. I love all the candy you ate, and the face he would make watching you. I love Peter Frampton after sex. I may have played that with every girl now. You used to quot the line from Reality Bites, everytime. I remember you working at the bar, you. I watched you, you made 30 dollars. You cried the first time I met you, you were so drunk, I remember our first dinner. I remember sharing my bed with you, we never slept together, but we always joke about how we're going to end up married, I remember a kiss in a hot tub, and you are a boy, I remember you puking in my bed, I remember when we first met, we were young and you had braces, I remember spikes in your hair, I remember The Smashing Pumpkins, Our first drink, my first kiss, I remember.....everything, I remember it all, its happening all the time, constantly in my head. I feel it in my heart, and it never changes...its good.

Do you feel like I do?

Tuesday June 7, 2009

I love everyone, from my cats to Kris.
Who is my keeper?

Monday July 6,2009

the weekend is over. There is sand everywhere, my fone is broken, I have seen more naked bodies this weekend then the preceding 365 days. I lost a bet, I held a girls hand, I gushed over the city, I love everything about everyone, ever, period....whew.

Sunday July 5, 2009

OK.

First off, I have not had sex in 3 months. The last few times I did have sex before this long hiatus were far from vanilla, which is cool I guess, but last night I wanted regular vanilla sex! And it's not like sex shouldn't have been a problem cuz this girl and I have banged before, a few times! SO my boner should have been fine right? like muscle memory! Not the case. My boner was still on vacation. GAY.

Friday July 3, 2007

It is my mother's birthday. She gets fireworks every year! Her name is Juliet. How badass is that?

Tuesday June 30, 2009

First off, RIP MJ.

And now to the life blog.

I'm surround by the coolest/hottest girls 24-7.
Kris, Tif, Nicole, Laura....If I could marry you all I would. I have concluded, I don't want a girlfriend, but I will totally be your boyfriend. Today I made dinner for 2 girls. It felt good. Sidenote, I've noticed my XGF is gaining weight and looks fatter. Yeah, I got fat too but this made it feel a little less painful. Keep eating Jeanette. And to think, once upon a time we were hot.

Saturday June 27, 2009

Goodbye Laura. It was a damn good run, and you are so fucking adorable. We were a good team. Maybe you can still be our mascot. Welcome Erick!

Happy birthday Tif.

Friday June 26, 2009

I have to fire Laura. Why did I think this was a good idea? Sand and soccer is a terrible idea also.

Tuesday June 16, 2009

It is Tuesday. Johnathan the realtor is sleeping on my couch. I am fat, overweight, breaking out and quite possibly may have a drinking problem.

Friday June 12, 2009

working hard to never have to work again.

Sunday June 7, 2009

Is it possible to get younger and dumber as you get older? I got arrested 2 nights ago for federal trespassing. The last time I got arrested was for protesting the war, not for throwing a party. I guess I cared more when I was younger.

Sunday May 25, 2009

This Friendship thing is killing me. Literally, figuratively, every way possible.
Can Laura, Dan and I coexist and create?

Sunday may 24, 2009

Working out is addicting.

Friday May 22, 2009

It's 5:17 and I am still up. I ran into an old friend Jack Ortega.
It turns out that you pretty much know everyone in the city. If
you think you don't for a minute, keep the conversation going.
You'll figure it all out.



Love is the best...

Tuesday May 19, 2009

I love the people I surround myself with.
Dinner was a success. With that said, I still don't understand the current frenzy on gossip girl. I also can't understand why everyone loves this Chuck Bass character.

Flashback to yesterday.
Got drunk at Gallery. Drank a bit more with a guy named John, I think....and Tif!
Had a drink with Charles in a bar that wasn't the gallery. Tif crashed my bed, again.
The no sex bet is on after this weekend. I wonder what is gonna happen to the both of us! It's been three weeks for me already....and the last time was memorable, in the weirdest way possible.

Sunday May 17, 2009

Prom in chronological order:
11pm: Woke up.
Regretted not going to graduation.
1200pm: freaked out.
100pm: Phone tag.
200pm: Shower.
230pm: Late already fuck.
5pm:Erick and Laura! yes...
505pm: Laura....omgyes.
520pm: Loading car.
530pm: locked keys in fucking studio.
545pm: Israeli locksmith bails us for $75. Wants to buy my paintings.
600pm: Go to Prom Late.
700pm: Get there realize that we forgot a bag.
705pm: Erick goes back to get it.
730pm: I smoke cigarettes feverishly.
Laura waits patiently upstairs.
800pm: We start to dj.
1000pm: Everything goes fine till we blow out our amp.
Gave little to no shit as the Prom went on.

ALL NIGHT: Awkward moments seeing a girl from the high school I kinda slept with....I know.
MISTAKES FUCK.

Wednesday May 13, 2009

Monday night dinner was a success once again. I think Kris may be the raddest girl alive and I still can't figure out why Nicole isn't married yet.

Monday May 11, 2009

Some people don't like my humor.
Dinner at my house. I'm going broke trying to be good to my friends.

Friday May 8, 2009

Just finished the last of my homework. Goodbye college hello real world. I'll read a few pages of a comic book. Smoke a cigarette, and wonder for a bit whats gonna happen now. Earlier I got a text that read "I'll come over and we can make out like its high school".

No it was not sent by a girl still in high school. A bit of irony, considering the twist and turns my life has taken. I wonder what my cats think when they see me with a girl. They are usually always there.

sidenote: I am not ready for the real world by any means. Not now, maybe not ever. I think I just heard gun shots out my window.

Thursday May 7, 2009

I am in the middle of finishing the last bits of school. The last bits are quite excruciating, and the anticipation of never having to show my face at the school is giving me a spiritual boner.

Last night we decided to play soccer in the rain and mud. It was fun, dirty, cold, mostly fun.
This is how I look clean, not covered in mud. The shirt is Laura's and so are the shorts. I have a large collection of other peoples clothes. I need them anyhow, mine are getting holes.

Tuesday May 6, 2009

Drunk. Back from Liars club. Dj'd a killer set. A few people danced. Everyone asked about Laura, my DJ partner. I recruited her for this very reason. I was hoping I would be wrong the whole time. I guess not. People love pretty people. I love pretty people. I love her. I love everyone to be fair.

Graduation is creepin'.

Monday May 5, 2009

Monday Night dinner.
We do this every monday.
It is the best day out of the week for me.
I wish I could marry all of my close friends.

Sunday May 3 2009

Worked with an Uncle. Rode the Whip. Played Kickball with people I don't know. they made me laugh. Played soccer with people I know really well. They made me sweat. Went to the Gallery to drink beverages. Ate at PMU with Matt Renger and Louis. Long conversations on existence and reality. The food was Ok. The coffee worked. I saw Andrea, the waitress I bombarded for a month with adorable illustrations of endearment. She doesn't remember me. She carries the pictures in her pocket though, I know this for sure. Her boyfriend is tall and has a beard. TYPICAL. I am a boy who likes everyone. I surround myself with people I love. Why not?

Tee-eye-eff. Where'd you go? I could use a conversation.

Friday May 1 2009

The day starts as so. Woke up and watched as much sportscenter as possible. The bulls had won last night in triple overtime. I had attended the game. Thank you Dan Perzan. Best game ever? Possibly. In the future google "Joakim Noah steal", and you'll know whats up.

After a few hours of sportscenter I went to my dreaded shit hole school to print large fauxmerican apparel ads I created. It was for a gallery, being run by none other than Mikul Wing himself. Of course. My pieces were a hit. I sold them. I sold one to Laura (she was glowing as usual) so that shouldn't count.

I'm in love with any girl who gives me the slightest bit of attention these days, but all MY attention gets filtered to an 18 year old girl named Laura. Funny thing is the piece of art she bought reads in big bold letters "young as fuck" across the top, in the typical american apparel font. The image is of a 12 year old girl doing the splits in the air. Ironic? Fucked up? Who cares.

Played a shit show at a shit bar but hung out with good people. I saw my friend Blake there, who knows my friend Tif, who I was on the fone with at the bar...I wouldn't know either of these people if I never met Kirsten, who I never see these days anyway. The first time I met Tif was at some faux party at the Noble Tree Cafe. She was crying over something god knows what, but I remember I had myself a little crush then. She looked cool. Turns out she is.

I really like people, and I really like girls. Never go to 4500 N. Elston....Well maybe.

Game 7 of what is being dubbed the greatest Nba first series ever, is tomorrow. Bulls Celtics!

David

last day of April 2009

This blog has proven to be another useless online form of me. But whatevs. I'll squeeze everyday into a paragraph....look back in a year and laugh.

Dan Perzan Bought Bulls tickets, went to the greatest game ever played in any sport ever. I ran into a high school friend. In fact her seat was right next to mine. Odd that in a stadium with 30,000 seats, we cross paths here. Even odder is the fact we got the tickets from a scalper in Plano Texas. How do things work out? I don't know. Bulls win, Joakim Noah is a hero for a day. I am in love with my city, and everyone in it. I am also in love with Laura Wing, because I'm a weirdo. Tomorrow I'll be in love with someone else. Its fun!

That concludes that day.

David

ladies

I never wanted a girlfriend as much as I wanted to be someone's boyfriend.... does that make sense?





Probably not.

Dave doesn't care about shit anymore.

give it up. To live it up.


vagina.

a winner

Michael Jordan had Scottie Pippen, and Phil Jackson to guide them.

I have found my Scottie Pippen, or maybe she's Michael Jordan, either how Matt Berger is guiding the two of us, to the equivalent of a 3-peat.

I am in it to win it.

February

Not so sad anymore.

writer

Alex and I have been making several attempts at a screenplay.

I think I am going take this one over. It should be done when I get back on Thursday, from D.C.

more

How to lose your mind in less than 6 months. A guarantee!

1. Lose 2 good friends, only a few months apart (as in gone forever)
2. Lose a best friend (moved to L.A)
3. Lose your job
4. Lose your girlfriend.
5. Lose some friends (we don't talk anymore)
6. Lose your apartment
7. Lose another apartment
8. Lose your pets
9. Move back home
10. Remain unemployed
11. Share a bedroom with your 9 year old sister
12. Watch your ex-girlfriend become Someone Else's girlfriend, even though she said she wouldn't, many times over.
13. Remain broke
14. Develop delusional thoughts.
15. Hit an artistic rut.
16. Realize that you have mania and ADD, but since you don't have insurance, you are fucked.
17. Develop addictions.
18. Try and find comfort in women, booze and food.
19. well, the list stops here, but when something else happens to me that I believe contributes to my current downfall, I'll add it.

What happened?

I think I am ready for anything, and everything. I'm not tougher by any means. If anything, the soft me just got softer.

In July one of my best friends from grammar school was killed in a bike accident. We hadn't talked in years. I was able to catch of with my old grammar school friends at the wake. We caught up at the bar. How typical. Some of my friends were married, some had kids. We got shit drunk that night, and fell in love with each all over again. We met two days later again, and did it all over. I've talked to my friends, that I have known since we were kids more in the past few months, than the past ten years.

August came around, I practically lost it. I felt that the girl I had been in love with for the past 3 years, just wasn't feeling it anymore. How can I tell? we stopped having sex for one. She held me differently at night. She stopped calling me at night when she was out. I would eventually break up with her, telling her that I felt that she wanted something else, and it wasn't me. We said we still loved each other, and we would work things out. After all, we were supposed to get married, and travel the world when we graduated this May. I can't say I was right, but I definitely wasn't wrong. Jeanette started dating someone new. I told her she would the whole time, but she denied everything. Everything about the boy that everyone was telling me about, except her.

I would say she is dead to me, but I won't.

I lost my job, and my mind that September. I didn't know what to think, between my friend Clint dying, my break-up, and the one year passing of my friend Ryan, who was killed by a car while working as a messenger, I couldn't hold shit together. I really couldn't. I nearly killed myself with alcohol that fall. I was drinking in school, at home, at night. Looking back it was all blur. My best friend was in L.A at the time, and my other best friend was in NYC. I couldn't find comfort anywhere. I even stopped riding my bike. It was haunting after so many deaths. I found some comfort in a girl, but I think we were just the two loneliest people in the city who so happened to cross paths. Not to mention, we were drunk together all the time. I don't think anyone told me I was adorable more than she did, ever, in the history of me. Whatever we had was short lived, but somewhat necessary, for me at least. The fall passed, and winter came. I was begging for the year to end. I wanted to start over in 2009. During this time, I remained unemployed. I gave up my cats to a friend, I lost my apartment, and moved back home. I now share rooms with my 9 year old sister, because my mother refuses to give up her "smoking room". I wasn't completely down and out. It was all downhill, but I wasn't fighting it at all. I rode it out like a wave. I knew I had to come back around eventually. I rocked out new years eve, and even got a kiss from a very attractive girl. This emotional high couldn't even last a whole day. Lina called me the next day and dropped a shitload on my life.

I found out I lost my best friend from high school, Ricky. He drank himself to death on New years day. It wasn't on New years eve, it was on New years day. In the afternoon, which only makes it more heartbreaking. My best friends came in from L.A and NYC. My best friend Lina from L.A, dated Ricky for 3 years in high school. I was her best friend. Ricky was my best friend. To say this was hard, is far more than an understatement. We hadn't been in the same room for over a year, but here we were. Lina, Ricky, and I. I was together with the people who I cared most about, once again. I can't say what has changed in me, all I know is I am alive and happy, in a weird way. I cried more than ever that weekend. Seeing a 21 year old kid in a coffin can change your world in a dime. Seeing two of your best friends, in coffins, less than 6 months apart, will rock your world. Once again, my best friends went to a bar after the wake. We got stupid drunk, and did the whole thing all over again. We fell in love with each other all over again. Some of these kids I hadn't seen in over 5 years.

I got phone calls from a lot of people. I got emails from friends in Japan, and other cities. Telling me the same shit, stay strong, we all love you, etc. It is quite comforting, and it lets you know who actually cares. I got nothing from Jeanette. Not a word.

Once again, I would say she is dead to me, but I won't.

That "what the fuck" feeling still lingers. I can't put together any amount of words and sentences to describe where my head is at. All I know is I want to be held, all the time now, like a fucking baby. Every hug I get feels like I just woke up for the first time. Every conversation I have is the most enlightening one. Every being I have ever met is appreciated and loved. Even her. Everything is beautiful these days, even in death. Every smile I see makes me fall in love. Every tear makes me smile more in the end. I love my friends and family more than anything now. I really do. I feel good, I really do. I really do, I really do. Life is life. Live it and appreciate it, even in these fucked up times.

God...

Ricky

I wanted to destroy 2008, and be reborn into 2009. I had no intentions of remembering the year, filled with mistakes and heartache. Then I got the news of my friend Ricky, who died New Years day. I can't say what I don't know, but it may have been a suicide. Alcohol and OTC medications. It just seems all to cliche, but then again that's how I remember the kid. The prettiest boy, who wore abercrombie, played lacrosse and got the prettiest girls. He was the cliche. The all american boy. And now all I can do is remember, because we'll never see each other again. We used to be best friends, once upon a time many years ago. We were high school kids with nothing to do. That's how it always started. It was after high school, where our differences became obvious. He voted red, I voted blue. He listened to one band, I listened to another. I went to these bars, he went to others. After a while our conversations became a combination of 20 questions, and reminiscing. It's what happens. We started running into each other more and more, and I thought it would be a good time to start hanging out again. After all we were adults now. I'm 24, he was 21. I just didn't expect this....

Since the end of high school I have had 8 people, that I know die. 6 were under the age of 25. This one stings more than others though. I looked out after this idiot. We all did. He was that puppy that shat everywhere, but we couldn't just cut him off because he didn't know any better. I should have been there this last year. All the heart break in life couldn't compare to the void left. It was the emptiest of feelings.

It's a damn shame what heartbreak can do to you.
Girls love me. I have nothing to give them, yet they
still love me. They really have no idea what they are
getting into. I wish I could fall in love again, but it
really isn't in me. Not now, maybe not for a while.

I truly hate the game. If I could settle down and
marry I would. I really would.